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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.