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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
What number SPF blocks people?
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.