Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.