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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.