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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
dont love..dont hurt...keep doing flirt..:)
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.