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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
If I throw a stick will you leave?
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."