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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
My IQ? ... With google or without?