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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.