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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights