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If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.