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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.