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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
i feel naked without my mobile !
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”