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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?