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Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow