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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.