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Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Never squat with your spurs on
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.