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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
No one has ever been in an empty room.