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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.