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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.