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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.