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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
The well behaved rarely make history.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
If the shoe fits, buy it.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats