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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.