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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work