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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.