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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.