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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
What number SPF blocks people?
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!