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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I should come with a warning label.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.