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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.