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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?