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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..