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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.