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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?