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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late