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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"