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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.