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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.