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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.