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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.