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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden