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Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.