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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.