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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener