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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.