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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.