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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.