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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?