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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.