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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?