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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.