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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.