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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.