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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.