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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.