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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!