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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.