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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.