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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!