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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.