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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.