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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.