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I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?