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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.