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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
This recliner and I go way back.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!