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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.