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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...