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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
That`s not how I met your mother.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!