Daily Silly Status

Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?

Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.

I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.

Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)

The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.

I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.

I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.

If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.

Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?